Rita
I'm playing with my legos up in the attic when mom calls me for lunch. I yell out that I'm coming as I'm about to finish building the construction piece I've been working on for days. I look at the work in front of me. There's a red and white house built out of exactly 32 1x4 lego pieces sitting on top of a green platform that is being used as the backyard of the house. The small house is situated in the center of the platform. There are tall trees built around the house as well as a small treehouse that I have stolen from one of my sister's old lego sets. I have placed little lego people inside the house. The whole scene seems so perfect, so calm and peaceful. I wish I could step inside this little house and live with this greenery around me. I wish I could step outside and go into the treehouse when I am feeling stressed, or when I want to go play. I wish I could seem free and happy just as these little lego figures appear to be. I feel stuck, stuck between these walls. I feel locked in this house unable to leave. I know this is how it has to be though. If I leave then this “bubble” of safety my parents have created for me, it will be gone and I will be left alone in the real world. This house is supposed to be my safety net, yet I don't feel safe. I don't feel like I belong here. Thinking about this starts to stress me out. I'm starting to become anxious. My breathing is getting out of control. My mind begins to wander to the last time I felt unsafe. The last time I felt cold and miserable. The last time I felt stuck. I run out of the attic, sprint to my room, close the door, and I know I have walked into a nightmare.
I count to ten, trying to avoid the unavoidable. I look for 5 things I can see, 4 things I can touch, 3 things I can hear, but all that's running through my head is RUN! My mind is playing tricks on me. It's trying to convince me it's September again. That I'm still in that garbage bin locked up. All of the sudden I'm feeling the fear I felt and I'm spiralling down the black hole of my own thoughts that has formed in my mind. It's pulling me in, drowning me. I start to believe I'm actually there.
I'm back in that locked dumpster bin, hiding, shivering. The dark green walls around seem to be closing on me. It's dark here except for a ray of sunshine shining through the little crack beside me. It's hot, extremely hot and I'm sweating like a pig in the flaming hot sun.
Be Silent ! He's gonna hear you and take you! Those thoughts start swirling through my mind again. I can hear his footsteps, I can hear him calling for me. I close my eyes, hold my breath, hoping he won't find me.
Scared for my life, I take hold of my emotions and control them. I put them away in a little tiny box at the back of my mind, never to be touched again. I close my eyes. I count to ten. Ten seconds is all I have to feel everything that needs to be felt. 10, I let my breathing be uncontrolled just for a second. 9, I let my mind wander off to all the moments we spent together. 8, I let myself be weak. 7. 6. 5, I let my guard down. 4, another shiver runs down my back. 3, One single tear streamed down my face. By the last two seconds, I'm ready to fight back, no more time to act weak. I can start to feel my body calm down, suddenly I'm not shaking anymore. My mind becomes clear although thoughts are still trying to invade my mind. Maybe you would be better off if you just let go now. Maybe you should just let him take you, maybe even kill you. Maybe you should finish the job yourself and he will find you dead. That would be revengeful. Maybe that voice in my head is right, why keep fighting when you know you are going to lose in the end? No! I tell those voices to shut up, I will not give him the satisfaction of winning this twisted dark game. I will not give in or do anything to harm myself when I know it is his fault. I must fight back.
I start to become cool and collected. I must act, think fast. Create a distraction. Find a way to trick him, the way he tricked me. I need to find a way to win and put an end to it all. I have to be patient, wait for the perfect opportunity to strike. I must stay in this state of mind, calm and collected. I'm thinking about a route of escape when I hear the familiar sound of his boots hitting against the pavement. A shiver runs down my spine. He's close. He's gonna find me and I know I will be punished. My breathing starts to accelerate. All that's running through my mind is Grab the knife and do it before it's too late.
I gasp, shut my eyes. Suddenly I'm back. I see the familiar white walls of my house and I can smell the faint scent of my mom cooking downstairs. I can feel the soft fabric of my carpet beneath me, and I can hear the friendly bark of my neighbor's dog. My heart is still running a million miles per hour and I know that I need to get my heart rate down. Breathe in, breathe out. Breath in. Breath out. I hear my sister call out in concern. Gradually I start coming back to reality. I'm home. I'm Home! I'm not locked inside a dumpster bin, I'm not running in the woods in search of refuge and I'm not in the hands of that man anymore. I'm at my house. My safe bubble. I guess it isn't too bad after all.
It felt so real, it always does. Every time, I see him so clearly. I can hear his inhumane voice, deep, cold and harsh. His unmistakable presence so close by, it is like I can hear his breath. It's over now though. I know it was just a flashback, no matter how real it felt. I will never have to feel his strong hands holding me down against a table. I will never have to hear his abusive and harsh words. A feeling of relief washes down on me. Yes, he stole things from me that I can never have back. He made me believe I was worthless, just some ordinary boy incapable of doing anything except please him, but I got my revenge. Somewhat. What I did was vengeful, but not enough to satisfy my soul of all the bad that has been done to me. I take a deep breath. It's all in the past now. It's over. I get up from the floor, rub the tears off my face and eyes, open my door and walk out into the real world.